Confessions of a Dying Woman: 7: Country Edition

 

Dear Mass Dudley,

It is with a heavy heart that I write you this letter because I am still broken up about the wicked deed that you had done unto me. Anyway, they said confession is good for the soul and I would like to free mine before I am laid to rest permanently in a hole.  Mass Dudley, if I had known that you were such a conniving little man, I would have never helped you, when you just moved to the district after your father died choking on a cartwheel flour dumpling. 

Source

I don’t know how true it is, but Bev told me that your father, Mass Alfred, heard Miss Peggy coming and was hurrying to eat off the two last dumplings so he could go and hide the pot, but he started to choke.  Bev said she was there with your father and all the knock she a knock your father back, the dumpling would not come out. She hollered for help and Peggy, came along and was trying to hold him from behind but as you know your father was big like the black rhino tank them, so Miss Peggy little short hands them couldn’t reach. After a while, he stopped choking and went to lie down. While your father was lying down, Bev said that Miss Peggy helped herself to the dumpling, yam and banana with the corn pork and ackee. Everybody knows that Miss Peggy is very beggy beggy and don’t have no shame so I can understand why your father would want to hide the pot. 

Anyway, the next day, Mass Jasper went to call your father, because he was supposed to help your father dig a few yam hills. That’s when they found him in his bed, dead as a knit with a piece of dumpling near the bed foot and him belly well stiff.

Back to why I hate to have to confess to you. After you moved to the district to live to operate  your father's sugar mill and take care of his animals and farm, you didn’t know anyone and anything as you had lived in Kingston most of your life. I introduced you to the people in the district who could help you get things going.  After a few months, we became a lot more than good friends as you use to come to my house to eat breakfast and dinner and sometimes stayed for supper. We had such a good time, talking and laughing. You even promised that you would marry me once you save up enough money to fix up your father’s house so we could live there together.  I was so happy.  

 As you got to know more people in the district, I noticed that your attitude toward me started changing. You and Miss Mary all of a sudden turned big friends and you started eating your dinner there some nights. I asked you about Miss Mary, and you told me that you were just friends because she is lonely and she just wanted to know what it is like to live in Kingston. You told me that you didn’t like Miss Mary, because of the big wart that was at the left corner of her mouth that looked like a raisin and the fact that she had a big neck (goiter). I asked Mary what was going on between you two, and let her know that you promised to marry me. She said she was just being nice, because you were new to the district. She said she didn’t like you like that because you look like a fish bone and she likes her men with a bit more meat like Mass Jasper. I believed her and I believed you like a big fool. 

I think this is where my confession would begin. A few days after I confronted you and Miss Mary about each other, I went by your sugar mill to see if I could find you because I was concerned as you didn’t come for dinner two nights in a row. I saw the horse working the sugar mill extracting the juice from the sugar cane so I know that you were there. I began walking in the direction where I know that you relax sometimes. I wanted to surprise you with the pork and butter beans and rice and peas with sour-sop juice that I brought for your lunch and that’s when I got the shock of my life.

 There you were stabbing big neck Mary meat with your fish bone self. I was so shocked; I couldn’t move for a while, so I just stood there and watched your bony backside as you stab a groaning Mary who seemed to be in a lot of pain. I walked away that day like a wounded dog, with my nice  plate of rice and pork, but not before I cut the horse from the mill loose. I felt like a fool, and after that you came around pretending that nothing happened so I made sure to put extra salt or pepper in your dinner. You eventually stopped coming around and you and Miss Mary became the best of friends. I felt like I was traded for a faster racehorse which is exactly how Miss Mary mouth shapes.

Anyway, I know where you kept the key for the sugar mill, so one evening when you had retired for the evening and you were at Miss Mary house frolicking, Bev and I went by the sugar mill.  We brought two 5-gallon buckets. We emptied the ten small buckets of wet sugar (unrefined sugar) that you had on the shelf to sell. We replaced the wet sugar with wet dirt at the bottom and a small amount of wet sugar at the top and returned them to the shelf. If you can recall, you attempted to sell the 10 buckets of sugar to Mass Percy but needless to say he thought you were trying to take him for a fool by selling him 10 buckets of wet dirt. Bev sold, the remaining sugar that we transferred into the 5 gallon buckets.

  A few nights after that incident, while you were sleeping at Miss Mary house, I noticed that you left your clothes on the line and I took that opportunity to redesign them. I cut off the right foot of all the pants and took one foot of the three pairs of socks and cut off all the left sleeves of your shirts. And just like how your actions cut me deep, I cut up the underpants and briefs and even your bathing rag.

 The following night, you slept at Miss Mary again, and by then I have studied your pattern and knew that around 5:00 am you would be heading back to your place. I knew where your father kept the spare key so I let myself in, light the stove and put on a big pot of water with salt, and then left like I was never there.  After that you started becoming superstitious and thought that your dead father was trying to tell you to stay away from Miss Mary, especially when you saw the rocks arranged in the letter X on your verandah. Even though you parted ways with Miss Mary, I was still hurt from the betrayal.

 So I guess I am confessing to tell you that I am sorry, for all the crazy things that I did, including letting Sis Punci goat in your house. I didn't expect that the goat would bite up your clothes and dodo( defecate) in your bed. I figured the goat would probably just turn over a few things and then escape through the backdoor. Instead the stupid goat got up in your bed and laid there listening to the radio that I had turned on while it chewed its cud. Again I am sorry Mass Dudley. If it will make you feel better, you can dance on my grave.

By the way, I almost forgot. The horse that you thought had ran away or was stolen, I sold it to someone in the neighboring  district, early one morning while you were probably sucking on Miss Mary raisin lip.

Your neighbor 

Miss Madge