Confessions of a Dying Woman:8:Country Edition

Dear Miss Mary,

(Heavy Sigh) I don’t even know where to begin with this confession letter to you. I honestly thought that we were friends. I have been there for you, when you only had one pair of shoes on your feet and it was squeezing you and giving you corn on your ten toes them. Out of the  goodness of my heart, I lend you one of mine that my daughter brought down from Kingston for me. I was even there for you when wasps was chasing you and you ran and slide into the dog dodo (feaces) and sprain your ankle. I was the one who throw buckets of water on you to wash of the dog dodo, lend you one of me frock, bandaged your ankle with herbs and then took you home. That's why I was so hurt when you went behind my back and gave your cho cho to Mass Dudley.

 Anyway, even though you are an unscrupulous woman, for the benefit of my soul, I have decided to confess. Let me start by saying that I am sorry about the incident with your false teeth that you are yet to replace, but yet you find it comfortable nonetheless to walk around with all your front teeth missing. 

If you can recall that Sunday, It was the first Sunday of the month and church was full and vibrant. It was the middle of praise and worship when I saw a big mosquito pitched on your neck back. Everyone knows how mosquito bite painful so, out of concern for you I tried to kill the mosquito and that is why I had to lick (slap) you in your neck back. I did not know that the little slap I gave you would cause your false teeth (denture) to fall out of your mouth and flew across the floor. And I also could not have known that Miss Ruby, with her little busy body self that is always getting into spirit, would step on your false teeth in her spike heel , bruk your false teeth and drop buff a grung pon her backside that she always trying to shake for pastor James to see her.

Anyway, it was a few days before the false teeth incident, when I saw you over by Mass Dudley sugar mill with your flucksy ass in the air like a flag and Mass Dudley with him bony ass, ramming, jamming and grunting like a pig. I guess he slaughtered your meat that day, because you were squealing like pig being slaughtered. 

 Needless to say, I was upset at how two-faced and a liar you were. I told you that I fancied Mass Dudley and him me, since he asked me to marry him, and you looked me dead in the eye and told me that you don’t fancy him because him mawga like fish bone. However, a few days after that, there you were allowing him to jook you with his fish bone. If God never talk to me, I would have stoned the both of you that day and use fire stick burn you on your bottom because I thought we were friends.   

Source

 

You Miss Mary, must have cement where your brain should be because you had the audacity to come by my house that very same evening after you went and skin out like a ackee for Mass Dudley and made him pick you with his stick. You had the nerve to show your no front-teeth self and, big neck asking me to lend you some flour and oil. Of course, I didn’t give you any of my expensive cooking oil that my daughter bring down from Kingston for me, but I did give some of my flour. I heard you had to beg Miss Spinny some of her flour since what I gave you was spoiled. I am sorry for mixing the flour with a little baby powder and a tups of ashes. 

 I think I should also confess to the reason you are missing about two dozen panties. I don't get why you had so much baggy on the line at once and there wasn't a hurricane. What baffles me the most, was why they were so tear-up tear-up and bad color.  I don't know what Mass Dudley saw in you, why he chose you over me. 

Bev, said it's because you do unholy things with your mouth to men and that you know how to operate your mouth like a vacuum.  I am not sure what that means, but based on what a vacuum does, it sounded like you suck up or suck on dirty things. I can't imagine what dirty parts of men you suck on with that parking space in the front of your mouth and why they would like it. Anyway, what you do with your mouth is none of my business I just wish I had known that before, as you use to come to my yard and eat and drink from my cups , plate, spoon and forks. That was before you stole Mass Dudley from me.

One last thing, I am sorry  for that incident that took place at the Tuesday prayer meeting, not too long after you fully took over Mass Dudley. You knew the dirty deed that you had done to me and  you still carried on as if  we were friends. When you came by very early that Tuesday morning for breakfast, I made sure to put some liquid Dulcolax laxative in your tea and told you that it was herbal tea that my daughter gave me. 

Needless to say, you need a wash out because the smell of those fart that you leggo in the prayer meeting that night was very hazardous, they smelled like brimstone and fire. You pretended like it wasn't you with the rotten belly but the rumbling sounds that your belly was making gave you away and it didn't help when you had to hold your bottom , pick up your long market skirt and ran to the church bathroom. From that day , they started calling you 'Rotten belly Mary'.

Anyway, I have done my confession, so it's up to you if you want to forgive me or not. It is necessary that I forgive you, so I forgive you Miss Mary for sucking away Mass Dudley from me even though in the end I made him to believe that he was haunted. The conclusion that he came to, that it was because he was with you, is no fault of mine.

I wish you were a better friend to me Miss Mary because I have been nothing but a good friend to you. I didn't even ask you to give me back the frock that I lend you. What you did was dirty, and an admission into hell. Which is why even though I forgave you, I cannot in good conscience invite you to my funeral, especially since I know that you do not have anything sensible to wear as all your frock them smell like roach pee or like the bottom of a cardboard barrel. 

Please do not show up to my funeral Miss Mary. I wouldn't want you to be embarrassed looking like heng pon nail. Walk good Miss Mary and try to be a better person.

Your Neighbor and one time friend

Miss Madge